The Story Of My Life
by Char5
Summary: 'when she was bad' with a slight twist
1. Default Chapter

Does he like me?  
  
Does he love me?  
  
Can he see me?  
  
Can I really see him?  
  
I want him to hold me.  
  
I want him to touch me  
  
Does he want his hand in mine?  
  
Does he want my body against him?  
  
It's been so long  
  
But it's not been long enough  
  
Why do I feel this way?  
  
I shouldn't feel this way  
  
It might not work  
  
It won't work  
  
It shouldn't matter, I love him so much  
  
I'm in love with him  
  
He makes me tingle  
  
He makes me scared.  
  
I want him so much  
  
I want him too much  
  
Someone's in the way  
  
Something is in the way  
  
Maybe if I hold him close, touch his soft, wet lips, run my fingers gently through his hair, caress the back of his neck, just smiling, then look into his eyes and tell him how I really feel, how I love him so much, then maybe it'll it be ok, maybe I'll be.. enough.  
  
Love should conquer all, that's what they say; those quacks who live in a perfect world and never have problems with love themselves. No, it won't work I'm kidding myself as per usual, delusional in a word of fantasy, it'll never be the way I dream, nothing can change destiny, what I am, what he is, we can never be together.  
  
Why is everything so wrong?  
  
Why does everything go wrong?  
  
What have I done, why not me?  
  
Am I being punished?  
  
She can sometimes be a burden.  
  
This is a curse.  
  
What am I doing wrong? What's wrong with me? Is it my strangely flat hair, my dull, brown eyes, my pale, lifeless skin or is it just the fact I'm not good enough, a freak.  
  
I always do things wrong, how could he love me? I am a bitch basically, he can hold me in his arms and give me that look which makes the whole world seem perfect for a single moment and I would pull away. Because I am hurting, for the way he makes me feel inside, the way he makes me burn.  
  
I'd do anything for him  
  
He does too much for me  
  
When will this feeling end?  
  
It never stops; I'll love him until my last breath.  
  
Why can't I tell him?  
  
He deserves to know how I feel  
  
I can't pine forever, it's tearing me up inside, I cant be 'the girl next door' my whole life I want to be 'the girl who he looks at an then gets jelloey at the knees and can't find the words to say or the air to breath, as if under a spell, (but not quite that bad because that's kind of psycho).'  
  
I've admitted it to myself, even though I know I didn't want to at first, it's hard to see that you aren't really your own person anymore, but entrapped by some else, the love that almost controls you, every action, every thought, every movement.  
  
I'm going to do it, make the first move, um I think.  
  
I can admit my love. I know it won't be easy, but is anything? I can't deny my it forever, it isn't fair on him or me.  
  
Nothing's easy, in fact this is too hard, I think I'll wait, I'll wait for him always, I mean he knows where I am, I even think deep down he 'knows'. We can grow together.  
  
Once we commit there's no stopping, we'll be in love always, under destiny's spell. Our thoughts will be entwined in a spider's web, caught in destiny's possession, as with our hearts.  
  
I'll wait. I love him that much  
  
I'll pour my heart and soul into him. I don't care what happens, I can't pretend I don't have feelings, I can't pretend he doesn't make me glow inside, makes me complete. I can't pretend I don't think he's absolutely gorgeous in every way.  
  
We're going patrolling tonight, maybe, just maybe, this will be our first kiss.. we've been getting closer lately and she's not here, no distraction. God that sounded awful.  
  
I'll be home soon, I'll tell him then. and I'll look into his eye, the window to his soul, then he will know. That I am in love.  
  
Wish me luck  
  
I don't need luck I need a complete re-vamp........ 


	2. Chpater One

The Story of My Life  
  
Title: 'The Story of my Life' Author Name: Char E-mail: b_faraid@hotmail.com Disclaimer: Like everyone else who writes fan fiction, I do not own anything to do with BtVS or Angel:tS. The rich 'mazin people do. Summary: 'When she Bad' with a slight twist, Willow, Buffy and Xander all thinking and reflecting. Pairings: B/A, possible W/X Category: Fluff/romance Feedback: Definitely!!!!!!!!!  
  
This has been an uneventful summer.... I thought the lack of scary things was cool... in a not-having-to-fight- baddies kinda way. I like., feeling safe....something I haven't felt in a long time..... Seeing as my life is constantly in 'mortal danger'... Whereas Xander found the lack of demon activity made him restless Nothing to do but patrol and there was nothing to patrol, like we didn't have a duty anymore. No 'hitting the books', working together to fight the 'big bad evil' causing mayhem on the Hell-Mouth. I like us 'scoobies' together. It makes me feel...like I belong. Oh well like I said, the no 'baddies' thing had advantages. Basically, more time with Xander, alone.  
  
Buffy Summers, my best friend. I love her, she's great, but I can't help feel.. jealous of her. She's stunningly beautiful. I'd give anything to know how it feels to be that beautiful for just one day.....beautiful for Xander....  
  
Xander, the boy I've had a 'thing' for since Kindergarten he's not amazingly good-looking, but there's something special about him. He has these big soppy brown eyes, which makes me want to squeeze him tight and makes me weak at the knees. A smile which I can't help but return. A touch, which makes me blush inside and out. I fantasize about him always, that I am the one he wants to be with, the one he dreams of at night. Not Buffy.  
  
I imagine us walking along a deserted beach...it's midnight, the moon sparkling above, reflecting starlight in the ocean. We walk on the soft sand and gently touch the tiny grains with our toes. It's just us together. In love.  
  
Anyways back to reality.  
  
I've been worrying about Buffy all summer; the whole 'being killed by the master' ordeal couldn't have been a pleasant. She wasn't good at defeat; this really shook her up. It was a test, (perhaps a question) of her power, her strength. But Buffy was strong, in mind and heart, and I was certain she'd be fine, well pretty certain anyway...  
  
Xander and I had been patrolling for about an hour, we'd moved on from rock, paper scissors, onto 'guess the movie title from the famous one- liner'. (I must remember to think of a shorter name or the real name in fact.) After my pitiful 'Use the force Luke', we decided to quit.  
  
Our conversation then drifted onto Buffy as ever and he denied how much he missed her, "I'm actually looking forward to school starting up again," remarked Xander. "Yeah and that wouldn't have anything to do with a certain girl we know who is a vampire slayer." I teased playfully. "Please I am so over her, did she mention when she might be getting back?" Then he added with a comical, semi-sarcastic tone. "About which I do not care." I covered my bitterness with a weak smile, He then began nattering something about his 'needs'. I laughed it off as normal, but secretly my heart was bruised.  
  
Then it happened.  
  
Like a blurred and distant dream, everything slow and magical. He dabbed some ice-cream on my nose and playfully tried to lick it off. I squealed "Xander" and whimpered, "It's cold." He replied softly "but your nose looks so tasty." I flushed with embarrassment and shyness at the same time; it lit a spark inside I didn't know existed. He began to wipe away the ice-cream, in gentle, loving strokes and before I knew it he was leaning in, To kiss me His puppy-dog eyes. seemed that much more. striking now. Where once they were playful and cute, now were romantic and endearing. He'd now become more than a boy I had a crush on, but. A man I loved.  
  
It was beautiful, a moment that would last forever, a memory etched in my heart. He placed his hand behind my neck pulling me slowly closer, I'd been anticipating this for longer than I can remember. There wasn't time to be nervous, all I wanted to do was just.. Kiss him I could feel his warm breath on my face, it tingled. His hand slipped onto my cheek, caressing it, staring lovingly into my eyes for one last time. He drew me in, ready for that moment. Finally our lips met and we kissed. A slow, yet passionate kiss, My heart skipped a beat, my mind...it was flying. Beyond any of my expectations, I dreamed of this and now it was finally happening. I didn't want it to end, ever...  
  
"That had. ummm.. wow-ness to it.' He mumbled nervously. As I licked my lips, I meekly replied, 'definitely wowness."  
  
* * * * *  
  
As I glided through the deserted streets of Sunnydale, the moon shined vibrantly and the stars twinkled in the sky. For someone else, this was truly a magical night.. My mind began to wander... Two people, having a picnic, confessing their undying love for each other. The man strokes her way-too-perfect hair and she smoothes the back of his super-masculine neck. Suddenly he pulls out an engagement ring, a rock the size of a meteor and she gives him a long, passionate kiss with a lot of tongue. They make love right there, using their rug as a useless cover, but they don't care because they are so caught up in the moment and don't notice the shocked expressions of the passers by. Actually this trail of thought was getting kinda...well, yea.. Let's stop.  
  
I'd just returned home after spending the summer with my so-called father. The typical dad-leaves-home-because-troubled-child-burns-down- school..wait. that's not normal. He left me....not mom; it's my fault he's gone. It's the curse, The 'slayer thing', it's torn my family apart and now it's tearing me apart.  
  
Perfect.  
  
I was scuffing my shoes in the grass, not sure where my feet were taking me, and I found myself wondering once again, 'what's the point?' I pressed my hand against my chest, feeling my heart-beat, knowing I was living, yet somehow...not alive. I slave, I slay, I sleep. No matter how many monsters I kill, or apocalypses I divert, there's always more Waiting for a moment of weakness... It'll never end, until I die. Not much of a life eh? Well it's my destiny.  
  
I glanced from the stars, to myself, a stake in one hand and the... other...empty I let out a long sigh. To be a slayer, or in love... couldn't have both. Angel..he's a distraction.. Ok, I'm blaming him.. once again I'm being a bitch. Angry at him for my weakness, the fact I'm not strong enough. For loving him, or being a slayer...  
  
My thoughts of love and life were interrupted.  
  
A heard rustling in the bushes, something was creeping around. Someone's pet? Doubt it, this is Sunnydale. I turned sharply, Nothing. Must be some demon, supernatural thing; following me, or looking for a midnight (or in his case) a midday snack. . Well it wouldn't be munching off me; I'm the slayer and here to kick vamp butt. I felt a thud on my back, The force pushed me to the ground. I'd been kicked, Hard. I wailed out in pain, it surged through my body like poison through my veins. I soon recovered; this was normal for me, being beaten up 'n' that. I jumped back into fighting stance, now I was ready Another vampire, same as ever. Bad hair, bad skin and a puke-tastic face, nothing I couldn't handle. "Ok now that wasn't nice, so I'm gonna be not so nice too." I swung a round-house kick right at his, well you know. He went flying into a grave ironically. Howling in pain, grabbing his, well you know. "Wow I never get tired of doing that," I grimaced. Actually I was sorta tired of doing that, it certain doesn't give me that rush anymore.. I pulled out my stake ready to finish the job, thrusting it at his heart.  
  
But he was quicker than I thought.. He grabbed my wrist, twisted my arm and flung me to the ground. Ok that really hurt, my arm throbbed. He kicked my back while I led on the floor, cowardly much. "You're the slayer, not much of one I see,' he said slyly, looking disgusted. 'All alone, a waste of a life,' he pondered for a moment, 'I imagined you taller, with longer ha.." His voice trailed off. Due to fact I'd kicked his ankle, he fell to floor and I drove a good-old stake into his puny heart. I sneered, "By the way I just cut my hair and I think it looks good, Mr. I can count my own nose." He'd already descended into nothingness, merely ashes. Note to self: make insults shorter.  
  
I strolled away; still buzzing, but not from adrenalin, from fear. That was the first time I'd faced anything supernatural since 'The Master', I don't feel strong anymore. Like I pretend. He took my life. I may have got it back, but I'm not the same anymore He's given me something. The knowledge I can be beaten. That I'll die. (This time permanently) probably before I'm thirty. What an existence...  
  
Then I saw it.  
  
I caught a glimpse two people kissing on a nearby wall. I couldn't see who at first..the tree blocked my view. As I got closer I realized.... My two best friends making out, Willow and Xander. ........... ok?  
  
* * *  
  
Hmmmm, I've just kissed Willow... This is slightly peculiar.. I've just kissed my best pal, the girl I used to share a bed with when wearing bunny pyjamas. I bathed naked with the girl! The kiss was nice though. I'm not dissin my girl. Willows...great. Funny, caring, cool to be with..helps me with math. Without her I probably won't get through High School and as for Graduating, well forget it. Kissing Willow, an experience I'd always wondered about, not like in an obsessive, compulsive way, but ya know...sometimes. . I'd give it a seven, maybe an eight out of ten. Not that I normally get to first base.. I mean, course I do....yeah moving on. Personally I thought she'd run a mile, I mean she's super shy. Like a puppy dog scrambling to.well just general scramble-ness.  
  
What urged me to kiss Willow? Er, I wish I Knew. I've never seen her in this way before, As a women. Not that I'm implying she's not female, or that's she's just a witch, not that being a witch is bad, oh damnit, foot in mouth syndrome. She seemed so happy, so at ease with herself, which was nice. Just.nice.  
  
Then I sensed it, a strange feeling as if someone were watching. Well actually it wasn't strange as someone was watching, but the feeling itself was weird, ya know? Willow and I both turned together (freaky), to see..Buffy. One hand placed firmly on her thigh, and the other fiddling with her sexy, golden hair. As I stared past the gorgeous contours of her face I realized her hair had been cut during summer vacation. Wicked  
  
I glanced back at Willow, she shrank into herself, becoming a small child once again - looking extremely uncomfortable Willow..! I'm here fantasizing about Buffy and I was making out with Willow like two seconds ago... I'm a male slut. What do I do? My thoughts were broken up as Buffy spoke. "Wow is one of many words I could describe that with,' she remarked in a cynical tone, 'some more would be, freaky, weird and what the hell are you doing on my best friends face?" "We're actually we rehearsing for a play..erm...we're the main characters in it...which you don't know about..and was supposed to be a surprise.for you!" She stared blankly at me. OK, that story didn't go down so well, bit I continued to ramble like a lemon. "I mean come one Buffy like we'd kiss each other voluntarily, we're best buds....plus I don't have hormones and.. I'm not even attracted to girls." GAH, now I look stupid and gay! Still she stared blankly "Uh a little help here Will, back me up" I whispered. Silence. I switched my gaze to Willow. She looked completely crushed, her eyes swelled and tears tenderly fell down her cheeks. She was trying to keep it together, but not doing well. "Will..I....," She ran off into the distance before I could finish, but I hadn't really thought what I planned to say anyway. Buffy glared. "How could you do that?" She ran to console Will and I stood there dumbfounded, why??????????????????  
  
All of a sudden there was a shrill scream. I darted to my left, nothing. There was a crunch, I glanced to my right, nothing. There was rustling Now I was getting worried. A chill ran down my spine. Then I knew. Something was behind me.. I fearfully turned to face it I was horrified Ten, possibly fifteen vampires, fangs dripping with fresh crimson blood, their eyes gleaming with delight. Uh...Guys...? 


End file.
